Monday, 31 January 2011

The Jaguar S-Type...

Yeah, a Jag, how very posh. So posh in fact that this is the first thing your mind's eye conjures up when you think of one...



...with this fella driving...


I say old chap, how tiddly-scrumptious of you to envisage such grandeur and elegance. Pippidy pip, toodle chum!

That quote is verbatim, honest.

The thing is though, you don't need to own (or rob) the local HSBC to own one. Certain Jags have fallen from financial grace during recent years allowing them to fall into the hands of you and I. Oh yes, for under two bags of sand you can waft around the streets, popping to the Co-Op for milk and fags on the way, in your very own Jaguar. Hmmm, Jaguar, it just sounds nice. Try it with us, out loud after three...

One...

Two...

Three...

Jaguar.

Ooooh, it just makes you feel posh, even if you are wearing your underwear inside out and a stained Planet Hollywood t-shirt while drinking a can of Tesco Value lager. You see this is why Jags are cool. Yeah, they break down a bit, they're not built very well, they're crap on fuel and they mostly consist of Ford parts, but that doesn't matter. A Jag is good because no other car makes you feel quite like a Jag does: warm, smug, and a bit like a toff.

We've sold you on the idea of Jag now, right? Well here's the Jag we're talking about, the S-Type, OooOOoooOoooohh...



Nice innit? There are two things you've got to get over though, the first being that is was debuted at the Birmingham Motor Show in 1998. We have nothing against the good people of the Midlands it's just that when you think 'car launch' you don't think of Birmingham, you think of Madrid or Geneva. Never mind though, what's done is done. Plus it was built there so it is kind of fitting.

The second is the sobering reality that this machine was penned by a man called Geoff. Car designers should be called Fabrizio or Giorgio, not Geoff. Still, he seems to have doodled a good'un here despite being autographically challenged.

It was built to rival the E-Class Mercedes and the 5 Series BMWs of the time albeit with a bit more 'Britishness' and class. With design features and an aesthetic designed to echo the S-Type of the early 60s the modern S-Type was received well, although initially that was mainly down to misplaced patriotism rather than anything else. It carried with it an air of sophistication and class, it felt every bit as British as its 60's namesake. This was a quality that the German cars simply couldn't match and it was one that saw the Jag shine through as a viable option for any new-car buyer of the late 90's.

As a car though, it wasn't that brilliant. The build quality, engine range and economy (though respectable) weren't up there with its German rivals, not by a long shot. Available with a 2.5 or 3.0 V6 as well as a selection of 4.0 V8s (including a supercharged option that's still a way off being sub £2k), it was never going to return the best mpg in its class. There was diesel too in the form of a 2.7AJD-V6 (a French engine of all things) which wasn't too bad. The oil-burner was one of the better sellers, propelling many a stiff upper lipped executive up and down the UK's motorway network in sumptuous style.

It sold well and lasted a decade before being replaced by the XF in 2008 which is good; a ten year life-span means there are plenty out there for you to buy today, see...



And you should buy one because it's full of this...



...which is a delight for your bottom and the bottoms of those who you choose to transport. Leather, wood, buttons, air-con, more leather, some more wood, deep carpets, heated seats, this sucker has it all.

And then, while you're transporting your derriere and the derriere's of those around you, you can do this...



...which will be traumatic for your bottom and the bottoms of those who you are transporting. It would potentially be bad for all associated underwear too, but that's just the price you pay for sexy, exciting, cool, lady-attracting powerslides!

This has to be one of our favourite cars on Not £2 Grand. It's just so swanky and cool, we simply love it. If we had £2000 we'd certainly buy one, but we don't so we're going to live vicariously through you by insisting you invest in one.

If for some reason you're still not sold on the idea, allow us to leave you with one image that should just tip you over the edge.



Allow us to save you some time.