Wednesday, 19 January 2011

P38 Range Rover...

If you try and suggest a cheap Range Rover to someone this is what they will inevitably think of...



...but in reality that's not the case. Yeah you guessed it, you can buy a Range Rover for under our increasingly impressive budget of £2000. Not only that, you can get a P38 like this...



...which is pretty damn impressive! Introduced in 1994 the P38 was the direct successor from the by then long in the tooth first generation Range Rover. It came with three engine choices in the form of a 4.0 V8, a 4.6 V8 and a 2.5 BMW diesel. It was luxurious, refined, smooth, stylish and crucially it remained extremely capable off road. It was a fantastic evolution of the model.

If you buy one of these the neighbours will think you own acres of land. They'll think you have tweed items of clothing and they'll think you know a man called Sebastian who brings you fresh pheasant whenever you demand it. They'll also think you go shooting at the weekends while the children tend to their horses. Yes sir, you put a shiny Range Rover on your drive and folk'll think you're doing well in life. Of course you won't be at all, primarily because £2000 won't get you a diesel (if you do find a sub £2k diesel we promise you it won't be worth buying). As such you'll spend all your money on quenching the constant thirst of the 4.0 or 4.6 V8 litre engine. Never mind though, eh?

Who cares about running costs though, or what the neighbours think? After all, tweed is hideous and your children are terrified of horses, so it doesn't matter if next door have got you all wrong. All that matters is that you've got a Range Rover, allowing you to do this...



Oh yeah! If you buy a sub £2k P38 Range Rover you'll take on a God-given duty to smash the current Range Rover stereotype in its pretentious face. They are not for the school run, they are not for going to ASDA, they are not for Paris Hilton and they are not for dropping your mother-in-law off at bingo while she complains that it's too big. That's what normal cars are for. No, the P38 is built to have the living crap smashed out of it off road, and let us tell you, in a Range Rover it's the most fun you can have with your clothes on!

You plant that sucker in a muddy field and have some fun, we dare you. Your house will have been repossessed because you've spent all your money on fuel, the kids will by crying because they're getting bullied as it turns out they do not in fact, have any horses and the Mrs will be in a huff with you because you upset her mum when you dropped her off at Gala Bingo. None of that will matter though; you'll be up to your waist in a muddy puddle fighting for low ratio 4x4 while laughing like a loon as your filthy Range Rover pulls itself out of another seemingly impossibly situation. Their 4x4 abilities really are second to none.

With fuel costing what it does these days (it's £23 a litre, right?) a P38 might be best purchased for the role of 'toy' as running one daily will quickly see you single handedly bringing the country out of recession. It would make financial sense as a 'toy' too. Think about it: take your £2k and spread that over the 52 weeks of the year and it works out to £38 a week for luxury 4x4 fun! You can smash the crap out of it in the forest, wash it and then park it outside the town's swankiest restaurant without being asked to leave. Remember, people will think you're loaded. The P38 did cost £65k when it was new after all, no one needs to know you bought it last week for £1950.

Go and buy one, really, you'll thank us. Before you do though, a warning. If you do this to it...



...we'll hunt you down and make you listen to Kajagoogoo and feed you cold quiche until you promise to put it back to standard.

You have been warned. You're a really rather nice blog reader, not a footballer.