Wednesday, 23 February 2011

The name's Bond...

Dur nur, dur ner ner ner, dur nur, der ner ner ner, NER NER, NUUUH, NER NER, D’NER NER-NER NER!

Yeah, James Bond, he’s awesome. He makes the ladies go “ooooh” and he makes the men go “I taught ‘im how to do that” all while sipping from a glass of shaken (not stirred) Vodka Martini. He’s one exceptionally cool dude - well, he is if you ignore the Timothy Dalton period, that was inexcusable - just keep your mind focused on the cool Bonds...



From beating up baddies in Bosnia to impressing lasses in Latvia, Bond can do it all. However, some might say (mainly us, seeing as we need to in a bid to have this post make sense) that he’s somewhat dependent on his wheels from time to time. He’s been in many a pickle over the decades and on a good number of occasions it’s been his motor that has seen him to safety. The Bond car really is just as important as Bond himself, and after digging about we’ve discovered that you, dear reader, can own your very own chunk of Bond machinery (not the actual machinery you understand – just their normal civilian equivalents) for no more than our £2k budget.

We're sorry that we can only offer you the 'normal' versions. We’d love to encourage you to buy cars with rocket launchers in the cup-holders and grenades in the spare wheel, but in this day and age it’s probably not advised. Unless you live in Moss Side, or Hackney; it’s more a matter of self-preservation there. Anyway, we digress…

So, a Bond car for under £2000 eh? Oh yes, here we go…



…actually, no. You’re not getting a DBS within our budget – you might get a toy version but certainly not a real car. In fact, £2000 wouldn’t even get you this lump of scrap that Bond bounced off its roof in Casino Royale while swerving to avoid the oh so pretty Vesper Lynd:



What the budget will get you, however, is one of these big suckers from Tomorrow Never Dies – the BMW 750iL. Put that eyebrow down, we’re bang on the money here. Do you not remember that brief period when the producers of the Bond movies took a large bag of money from some friendly German men in BMW coats, on the proviso that the blue and white roundel would find its way into the Bond movie franchise? Anything? Never mind - basically Bond drove BMWs for a bit, and now - in the real world - they're really quite cheap...



...which is good because you'll probably need to buy a few if you really want to get into the part of being Bond...



...hmm - smashing.

Before you do fling it off a multi-story car-park you might want to take a moment to bask in its luxury. Okay, so you won't have high-voltage door-handles or a rocket-launcher roof, but you will have leather by the acre and gizmos in numbers so great they could rival a Dixons stock-list. Moving it all along is a 5.0 V12 engine mated up to a silky smooth auto 'box which is no slouch, despite having to shove two tons of car along. This really is all the car Bond should have ever needed...had he not flung it into a branch of Avis Rent-A-Car, the lummox.

Not for you? How about something a bit more...French. Yeah, the 2CV as seen in For Your Eyes Only!



Urm, no, sorry, we're not quite sure what we were thinking there. Er, on with the post...your hair looks lovely today, LOOK OVER THERE!

A 2CV? We weren't talking about 2CVs - we'd never do that. We were talking about the other end of the scale - we were talking about the bad-guy cars!



Bond baddies like big German cars like Mercedes, and again these can be had for pennies. We've got a Mercedes 300SE on the personal N£2G fleet which we use for all kinds of criminal acts (not really Mr. Policeman) of an evening. It only cost us £200 too, leaving us with loads to spend on sharp suits and Ray Bans, just like real baddies.

Fancy something a little more stylish and a little less German? How about an Alfa...



...just like the bad guys in Quantum Of Solace? Okay, maybe not just like them, but close. You won't get a 159 for under £2k but you will get a 156 V6. Full of leather, chrome, Italian style and a tuneful V6 (along with a great many electrical components that will break for no apparent reason) the 156 a great way to spend around £1000, and as long as you get one in black you'll still look like a baddie!



Finally - and some may say most impressively - how about a Renault 11 just like in A View To A Kill?



Not very cool we know, but Bond did drive one. It also got its roof lopped off by a barrier along with the back-half which was kindly evacuated by a Renault 20. It didn't stop the plucky 11 though...



...and we're sure this had nothing to do with props, movie tricks and extensive modifications, honest. In fact we're pretty sure the 11 carried on without aid, such is the build quality of this amazing French automobile. Never mind, we can see your face, we know you're not interested. To be honest, no one is ever interested in old Renaults.

Tell you what, have a Lotus instead...



...okay, so it's the wrong Lotus, it doesn't work, it probably smells of wee and it's generally a bit rubbish. Who cares though, a Lotus is a Lotus after all and that's better than any functioning old Renault. Well, unless the Renault had rocket-launchers behind its headlights...