Saturday, 27 August 2011

The Honda Accord Type-R...'s so exciting that IT SETS BUILDINGS ON FIRE. It then phones the Fire Brigade and gives them the wrong address, because it JUST DOESN'T CARE! Yes, the 2.2 litre, big-winged Type-R is one angry, snorty, adrenaline pumping chunk of metal and it wants to kick you in the teeth, metaphorically speaking. It has no feet, so I can't actually do that.

I set that on fire, yeah I did, I'm MENTAL like that. Raaar!

So, if it's a vehicle without feet just how does it plan to re-arrange your pearly whites? With a 2.2 litre, 16-valve, 220bhp/153lbft engine, limited slip differential and a big, silly wing on the boot, that's how! Yes, the engine has so much grunt that your teeth will be relocated through the impact the back of your head has with the seat under heavy acceleration. To offset the concussion, you've got big brakes to slow you, Recaro seats to hold you in place and a big silly wing to help you keep all of that stuff glued firmly to the road.

Worried about the wing? Think it might be a bit ostentatious? No need, girls like big, silly spoilers. Look, we just showed her one...


Right, calm yourselves. If you're looking at that first image and thinking "That's not too bad, what are the incredibly handsome N£2G people on about?" here's a better view:

Yowzers, that's a lot of fibreglass!

It's fine though, because unlike all those cars you see with neon lights, BK Racing wheels, bad paint jobs and of course, silly wings - the very cars that have created the unfortunate stereotype attached to spoliers - the Accord Type-R has the minerals to back it up.

It's not a lot of sporty bits and no substance, oh no, this is a car built for the kill and most importantly, it's been built to be driven hard. This car takes the angel over your right shoulder, puts it in a blender and then spoon-feeds the resulting angelic gloop to the devil on your left shoulder. It's a bad car (in the context of it being evil, not shite) and it wants you to punish it.


That right there is the heart of the Accord's anger; 2.2 litres of power and torque just waiting for your input on the throttle. It's a solid lump too; it revs hard, runs strong and thanks to being a VTEC unit it'll never let you down, no matter how hard you drive it (it'll rev to 8000rpm, slap you in the face and ask for more). Carlsberg don't do four-cylinder engines, but if they did etc...

Wanna take the piss out of my spoiler, do ya? Well, rembemer that I HAVE MATCHES AND I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!

The chassis helps too. For a front-wheel-drive platform it's incredibly well balanced. Okay, it's no Civic Type-R as it's a bit fatter but that's okay - we like something to cuddle. There's a limited slip differential too, which, by the power of witchcraft and magic can keep the power balanced over the two driven wheels resulting in maximum power and maximum grip. Basically, the Accord handles like a cat on velcro. With a firework up its bottom.

The fact you can get one for under £2000 blows our little minds - this is one amazing car. If you need four seats and a boot, but don't want to resign yourself to the 'uncool' shelf just yet, the Accord Type-R is for you. And as ever, here's the proof...

Buy one, use it to scare your partner, your kids and your mother-in-law. Just don't blame us when Social Services come around and slap an A.S.B.O on your face. And don't blame the car either, because it'll set you on fire.